Same wine, different wine skin…

A few years back I remember telling y’all about ditching my friends at the bar to come back home and finish a series I was watching. Well, ever since that hasn’t been a strange thing to do, I just get back home & press play & it’s like nothing ever happened. My friends at some point realized there’s no point of even calling me up every Friday like we’re still in college & have to make sure Friday night lights are a reality. Actually, it’s me who calls them up and if they don’t see much of me in the club after some time they send me a message to let them know that I’m home and dry and my choice of entertainment is indeed as interesting.

I recently decided to head out and see apart from me hanging out with the boys, what else do I get to miss in these clubs. I can openly confess I miss nothing and I really respect hanging out with the boys. The same typa chics who filled up the bars in 2004 are the same typa chics we have now. Similarity & congruence rule these streets like Mugabe in Zimbabwe, to the death! It might not be the same person from 2004 but the ratchetness done remained the same and so is the game. Let you not be lied to that picking up a chic in 2014 is different from 2004, nooo. The purr the cat used to drink milk as a kitten is the same purr the same cat uses in its 9th life, just maybe more experienced on knowing how long to purr before it goes to kill a rat somewhere. You dig?

One major bit that similarity & congruence has constantly been unable to change is deejaying. To be sincere we have more people with the title DJ with some corny ass name playin in these clubs who really need a day job. Is the city council hiring? I’d vouch for some of ’em. Club DJs have become too predictable, unskilled and lack professionalism. Do you remember back in the day when we had deejays? Real deejays who would make you long for a certain theme night? When you would hop from club to club & actually feel the difference? When you would choose to hang out on a Wednesday not just because it’s Ladies Night but because ladies really turn the damn thing up and tear it down on a Wednesday coz it’s their night? I really don’t wanna mention names but currently almost all club DJs either read from the same page or were tutored, coincidentally, by the same person. All in all, we need our turntablists back in the game. We need revolutionaries, not driven by the money, the car, the girl & the fame but someone who passionately seeks to entertain. We need another DJ Paco Perez who’d just set the mood of the night by saying, “What’s going around tonight?”

The phrase no pain no gain is overrated!

Y’all know I love football, dontcha? Y’all know how I used to play it with my all till I realized if it’s not buttering my bread, no scratch that, if it’s not buying me the bread itself, then it’s not worthy indulging in, right? Well, I decided to hang my boots at the end of the 2010 season and gave up all my football equipment just to give the youth a sporting chance. I’m glad to say that it makes me happy to see a few kids I assisted play in the KPL which to me is a big deal. At some point in their lives when they were in need, big brother came through *pops collar*.

During all this time, where I’ve been playing intermittently in local tournaments & football extravaganzas, nobody ever cared to tell me that the older you get the easier it is for you to gain weight and the most difficult part is shedding that weight. Lemme break that down for you, when I was playing, I used to average between 78-80 Kgs, with my height (186 cms) I kept a normal BMI constantly. I did strive to get to 85 kgs but in vain, all this was so that I could at least turn semi-pro or pro with the right attributes needed for the said leagues. I know you’ll ask yourself, are those guys that heavy? Sad truth, yes they are. All you need to do is to know how to carry the weight & use your brain.

 

Fast forward 3 years 5 months later, I realized that I need to shed about 15 Kgs. That decision came with my former teammates calling me in to play for their team in a ‘for-the-unfit’ football tournament. So I decided to go back & do the road runs, sprints & ballwork at least not to hurt my body that much when I go back to the field. It’s a week since I started and my report card isn’t bad, but I’m not a happy dude all the same. I’m aching terribly that no massage parlor can help. It has left me asking myself so many questions. Were my fitness levels close to Sobibor back in the day? (Courtesy of coach Robert Matano), how different was my diet back then though? Lastly, do we really have to feel some pain to achieve anything worthwhile? I think it’s just a fallacy to console us. What do you think?

Roll Camera… Action… Cut

So currently I’m trying to do something different. I’m gonna act. Not in a play, in a TV drama series. Yeeees!!! Hahaha I know, it’s funny, ok laugh all you want but after Lupita’s Oscar speech, everything is valid. Dreams, nightmares, insomnias, running noses & stomachs. Anything you have in mind is valid. Just the other week I casted for an upcoming TV drama series and got a role as a mean ass music producer, who is not as talented as the sound engineer who reports to me at the studio. Ok, hold on there, one second… I’m a very cute, unfriendly & untalented music producer, ain’t I? We’re not so sure about that but errrrr I think so. Actually, what I’m thinking is, I’ll nail this part coz I won’t be acting, I’ll be living my life as usual, but now in front of a lens.
One thing I never realized is acting is a great deal of stress. Nothing can ever be correct the first or second or even the third time. I’ve never heard someone say “cut” so many times like this. Anyway, we will just redo it till it gets done. In the meantime I’m loving the new experience that comes with movie production, directing and the social interaction with people from different backgrounds. I’ve actually met people I only see on TV. Hoping this will be taken up quickly by potential sponsors, shooting the pilot was quite something, an inexplicable feeling yet I’m here tryna struggle with words.

I’m baaaaaaack!!!

It’s nice to be back here after a very long sabbatical. A lot has happened since then & if I’m not wrong the last time I posted something on here was March 2011.
Since then, I wear waist 36 from 34, I weigh 90.7 kgs from 78.5kgs, I’ve worked for 2 different companies, I’ve lost friends & relatives (death can be a bitch doe), voted in a new president, saw the price of basic commodities rise astronomically, moved houses, bought a car n sold it out, saw Sir Alex retire, Man United finished 7th in the league (Imagine!!!), Chelsea won the Champions’ League & the Europa cup subsequently (bummer!), Gor Kogalo Sirkal won the Kenyan Premier League, Multichoice stopped showing ESPN which still is traumatizing, I’ve had 4 different smartphones (including the one I’m blogging with), I entered a gynecologist’s office (not for a check-up though, wipe that silly grin off your face) & I’m still waiting for Dr. Dre to drop his album The Detox after he became a billionaire (I have no words really about this, it’s been a long wait), a Kenyan was reelected as the president of the United States, a Kenyan won an Oscar, a Kenyan still wrestles in the WWE, a Kenyan born rider won the Tour De France, a Kenyan won the Champions’ League, a Kenyan played in the English Premier League & Arsenal won a trophy (Finally!!!). I really can’t shrink 3 years & 2 months easily in a paragraph can I?
So now? That would be the question you wanna ask right now, huh? Well, first & foremost, fuck you for making me do this shit. I really appreciate you reading this even if you don’t really give a rat’s ass about anything here. I’ll try & blog regularly just to make you happy coz there’s a lot of things outchea to blog about right?

Gameweek 3… On the road to paint their town GREEN!

The English usually use the phrase ‘paint the town red’ to mean ‘to engage in a wild spree’. The spree being referred to here is relative to what you consider as a wild time off the norm. To the Chinese it would be thinking of  new technology to ‘clone’, to the Americans would be ‘who is on our case alongside Bin-Laden?’ but to US it is to go to other people’s town and feel at home, by force. Feeling at home is also relative to what you call home, could be a nest, could be a manyatta, a grass-thatched roof house or your local pub. WE Just Do It like Nike Air. Some chose to travel on Friday and book plush hotel rooms, some tried the cheap boarding & lodging where they serve you breakfast. Others hang out in clubs on that night and decided to taste the local ‘cuisine’ in dusty rooms with very small beds with thin layered mattress and brief bedding… the kind which have two prices, with and without hot water. Yet many decided to stay home and trek, drive or commute to Naivasha, the land of flowers!

Jinx is a bitch, we have never won on this turf for ages. We never loose either, all we do is draw and drop the two points which we later on look at and say ‘we just needed the two points in Naivasha to win the league’. This time, WE were on a mission that Tom Cruise would agree was impossible, get the full points in Naivasha. Arriving in other peoples’ town in this style would remain in any first timer’s mind but to seasoned fans, it was an all out warriors entrance and the war cries bordered by Vuvuzelas of all genders told the hosts, here comes the wounded warrior whose kid you messed with.

The game began in earnest and this seemed to be a good one more so after we scored very early in the game. If we dominated the town by turning it into our magical green then on the pitch it was just that, domination. I almost wished we had those electronic devices that monitor ball possession and players’ work rates. After loosing our key midfielder to injury late in the first half, uncertainty crawled in because the person who replaced him doesn’t bear the same level of energy and skill he has. That got me mumbling to myself  ‘Jinx is a bitch’.

The second half was equally interesting but fell to a goal early in the half. This proved a point I’ve been thinking for some time now, it’s very easy to deal with a desperate person. They knew what we were after and even though they were home, they pulled stunts that only away teams would do. I bet they realized what force they were against.

Our failure to score as the match went on and even after putting in a fresh set of legs courtesy of the new school boy who has everyone’s lips blubbering, and him squandering a few chances here and there, it was imminent that a draw was the final result. Having dropped two points, I heard some arrogant people saying, “it’s just the third game after all.” What the hell? WE are supposed to be perfect, flawless and completely without blemish. I sighed again, Jinx is a Bitch!

Gameweek 2. It’s all about winning, right?

This weekend saw last season KPL champions in action after they missed the opening weekend when they were away in a rescheduled champions’ league match. They were quite unlucky coz they were playing against none other than the mighty Gor Sirikal, at the City stadium. I wonder what happens when soldiers loose in battle, don’t they get killed or turned into bitches (read prisoners of war)? Of all the places the department of defense could send these people, considering there’s war in the North Eastern region in Kenya, they were sent to fight for at least a point. Did they?

The Gor Mahia secretariat should look at bringing down the sky-rocketing ticket prices for the center stand or better yet, build shades for the real fanatics to make us not melt under the scorching sun. After all, aren’t we the ones who sing our voices out? Aren’t we the ones who go home upset after a loss? Aren’t we the ones who will carry stones and anything that can be thrown at armed officers when hell breaks loose? Aren’t we the ones who shed tears after tear gas canisters have been shot at us? Or is it just how it is supposed to be? Pay for the terraces & get all the ‘benefits’ of sitting there!

The highlight of the weekend was when Rangers F.C. were handed a reality check by AFC Leopards. After winning their first match against the Gor, I bet they thought they had it all in check. How do you get thumped 3-1 in the second half after dominating the first half? Does that say something about what this is league is poised to be? A see saw affair… Anyway, that doesn’t disturb me at all, whoever wins or looses, it’s all good! What disturbs me is, if Leopards won 3-1 against Rangers, and Rangers hit Gor for 3, is our City derby going to have a Chinese scoreline?

Gameweek 1… KPL makes me proud to be Kenyan but the ladies..

The Kenya Premier League began in earnest last weekend and we saw some very interesting matches with signs of yet another competitive league just starting. These are among the things that make me a proud Kenyan. A league that is respected and widely watched by the whole of Africa courtesy of our TV rights sponsors DSTV. Watching my friends, former teammates & other football enthusiasts do their thing once again is somehow a great feat. Once again this is something I am wholly proud of as a Kenyan.

However, the team with the largest following in the country and my favorite club in the Kenyan Premier League just proved that history does repeat itself and also made real the fact that you cannot teach your old chihuahua to bark like a bulldog and smell out drug peddlers at the airport. Gor Mahia failed it’s supporters, fans & followers alike. Being hit for 3 without a reply by a minnow team whose only history is having being promoted to the Premier league and at least staying for a second season. That was a very disheartening thing to happen but then it did not make me feel less a Kenyan. My favorite sport being played at that level makes me proud of my country.

The aforementioned match never ended apparently. About 8 minutes from time, WE felt disappointed by the match and WE stormed the barricade into the pitch with stones and other funny stuff in our hands. This called the riot police to action bringing back memories of a Gor Mahia vs AFC Leopards match that I managed to attend in the late 90’s, kinda grizzly but the hostility back then was mad than this. This still didn’t make me feel less a proud Kenyan.It seems like Kenyans had forgotten who the real Gor Mahia supporter cum fan cum follower really is… WE used to throw stones not scare you with ’em. So anyone talking out there, count yourself lucky WE didn’t give you a ‘down the memory lane’ experience. Our manners took a rain check and WE ceased ‘fire’.

The image of the club was shattered in a second and the Kenyan Premier League once again started looking like a bitch but then do we really care? As far as I am concerned, it’s just the third year that we are thus organized so let us stop the microwave mentality and give the KPL time to thicken it’s skin and for US to get used to diplomacy and loosing maturely. Let us not pass judgment as if we do not have a share of our bad side. It is this thought that makes me feel more proud a Kenyan than the other thoughts. Optimism!!

However, of the 25 stone wielding fanatics spotted by club officials and are yet to be handed a disciplinary measure by the club board, 9 were ladies. For your information, Gor Mahia has the largest and boldest diva following in the country as well. Does that say something about these ladies? Naah, I don’t think so! 36% of the rowdy fans were ladies is the point! Do u know how large a following that is? It is this fact that makes me not proud of Kenya. How passionate can we get to make our sisters, girlfriends, wives, mums, granmas behave like US? Why does it feel like a family of doves? Where the cock goes out hunting and comes back to its nest with one, two or many more hens depending on how sweet the cock coos.

Let us maintain our lady-like behavior ladies and watch the soccer like ladies. Come to the stadium with your showls, it’s allowed! Watch the game uttering one or two obscenities at the referee from the stands, it’s allowed! Ask a few trivial questions about the game like not understanding when it’s offside or not (believe me some men don’t really know that and are afraid to ask) or if the match is half time yet, it’s allowed! Then walk home gracefully with comments depending on the outcome of the match, it’s allowed! Wielding stones and ululating as if the referee is the one who scored against your team doesn’t make us feel less of u at all. But shouldn’t you be the ones stopping US from acting a fool?

Get on the cab and go back home. You need to finish that episode…

Have you ever hoped into a cab and headed back home because you had not finished a movie, an episode of a captivating series or to watch The Superbowl (given the timezone, it’s always played at wee hours of the morning in Kenya)?

Well I have… Not once or twice, but several times… & I don’t know why.

The first time I got The Big Bang Theory season 1 I looked at my friend with a grin coz I thought he pulled a fast one on me. The front cover didn’t look that juicy but 3 minutes into the first episode I just couldn’t help but notice something awkward about those guys. I was laughing my lungs out in the 4th and 5th minute and 2 hours later I was on the 5th or 6th episode laughing my heart out… when I was interrupted by The Call. This Call, from my good friend, signaled one thing only, DRINKS!

A few minutes past 9pm found me in our local pub plotting how we were going to tear the town apart but then I wasn’t settled for the two hours that I was drinking, why? Coz I left my telly on Pause…

After bar hopping, dancing all night and feeling sticky, need I mention hiccups from the binging? I slipped out of the club and jumped into the nearest cab and headed home. On my way home, I ignored a few calls from my good friend and the lady whom I was introduced to, coz I thought what I was up to was more important when it comes to having fun than any other thing.

You did not think I was going back home to sleep, did you? I went back home to press play and finish what I was watching over some left over Vodka whose time was overdue in my kitchen cupboard. Ain’t that nice? Next time you leave something pending and you engage yourself in something that is supposed to serve the same purpose the former was doing. Think about it. Weigh your options, get back there and press play!!

DUNDA 2011!!! No 1.

I crossed the year at work, talking to drunk people with heavy accents and as usual feeling the pinch of working at night as a Customer Service Rep. in a call center. No beef! It pays but err…. I think I deserve a pay rise…

I managed to spend time with family and friends, attend a football match and watch soccer and movies on the 1st. In as much as I was tempted to go out that night, I usually think the morning of 2nd. January is jinxed.

So I decide to go out on the night of 2nd. January and it starts out as a perfect night out with close friends doing all stag shit we do, doing our usual drugs and having a wicked party! Shortly after midnight these two ladies, whom I happen to know, appear and this night seems to be really turning out well. We had a party until they saw someone whom they know and went over to say hi. A lady in the company of the dude, whom they also knew, didn’t see this going down well and after a few minutes of pleasantries a small catfight broke out which is quelled quickly, by yours truly of course. The lady comes back later, breathing fire and fiery as hell and this told me that this time, nothing stands on her way. She had a white Real Madrid jersey, skinny jeans and Timberland boots with a lot of shiny aluminium hanging on her neck..oh and an aluminium tooth as well!! Which lady wears that shit? Let’s call her Almunia..

The fight broke out and the club bouncers went to quell the fire outside the club. The wise man in me told me, “son, sit down and enjoy your drink. Nothing should spoil this day for you.” Immediately, another round of Tuskers came sweating on our tables which gave me a good feeling about this night not remembering that there are two clutch bags on our table. What? 15 minutes later I went down to see what took them so long to solve the cat fight and guess what…it’s a fully fledged war of 6 ladies (where did they come from) plus the one in Timbz versus the 2 cute ones we had our eyes on.. WAR!!!

As I tried holding them with help from other guys, one very tall guy came there barking at ’em and ordering the ladies to sit down. It dawned on me that this was a cop! The dude who was in the company of the lady had earlier on uttered some very stupid remark saying, “sisi hatupiganangi na mkono, sisi huangushana.” (We don’t do fist fights, we use guns.) not knowing that the guy standing behind him in civilian wear was also Five O. Saying he was merely arrested is an understatement coz he was beaten like a dog to produce the gun he was talking about. As I was still making some necessary phone calls for help so that the two ladies could get help, a cop car came and whisked them away quickly.

Me & my friend took a cab to the precinct. Can you imagine? Being at the cop station at 5 in the morning to bail out someone you do not have mutual connections with? But then you just can’t let someone serve time for a petty cat fight, can you? I parted with a painful sum of money for the two of ’em while the lady in the Timbz bailed herself out! This is Kenya, it’s possible!

I went home very early in the morning of the 3rd. day of January wondering, how do you just start the year bailing someone out of a cop station? Does it mean I’m going to be bailing people out the whole year round? If yes, then I stop hanging out!!

Happy New Year people! What’s your resolution for 2011?

Howdy people! It’s 2011 and I’m blogging again…who ever thought about this! 2010 was a year like no other but then don’t write off 2011 with its fair share of highs & lows. Thank God!

Each time a new year comes, we all talk about resolutions. We all have some stuff we need to do but just can’t because they are either far-fetched thoughts, habits that are stuck like super glue or fetishes we would like to see ’em come true! Interesting. Everybody has an ass they want to kick, a black-eye they want to avenge, a hobby they think should done away with and a bitch or scrub they want to hitch. The only different thing about us is the way we handle these different situations. Thus we all have New Year’s Resolutions!

Last year, I made a handful resolutions and I was very happy to see some of them come true even though I regret never to have worked hard enough to realize some of ’em, I’m still proud of myself. Some resolutions have made it in the list this year and judging from the strategy I have used this year, I’m optimistic 50% of ’em will be realized. And if you are wondering about the lottery, yes it made the list this year too!

My strategy is to AIM LOW. I vowed never to make unrealistic resolutions coz most of them do not make you any happier even if you achieve them. Let’s say for example you make a resolution that 2010 is the year you will buy yourself a Phantom or better yet a Chrysler 300, and you win it. Technically, you’ve bought it! Sending the text to the lottery number 7 times with each text costing you 60 bob above the normal rates means that you lost a little sum of about 700 bob. But then with the rising price of fuel, parking in town, spare parts and general maintainance of your auto will leave you unhappy. That was just an example.

Aiming low means to look at the available resources at the time you are making the resolution, amount of time you have, definitely not the whole 365 days, and what the effect of the resolution would be once it is achieved. For instance, using the earlier mentioned example, you get to win (or purchase) a Chrysler 300 or a Phantom and you are still paying rent is unacceptable. What the hell is wrong with you? Public housing is a bitch!!! Let’s see, buying a parcel of land in an upmarket location would cost you no more than 5 million bob for an acre. If it does, ask yourself, am I really meant to live here? Building a nice, modern 4 bedroom house complete with furnishing it wouldn’t cost you that much. That would be better than renting a 3 bedroom bungalow for 50K, which in the end will get you putting 600, 000 in your land lord’s bank account. No shit! Or living in your rental ramshackle and parking a Phantom on the front porch…whilst your landlord smiles each month to the bank with his middle finger in the air & his old Beetle telling your Phantom, “in your face bitch.” In 2 years time, you will have paid 2.4 M to your landlord which is equivalent to the resale value of a used Chrysler 300 in the U.S. (definitely by the time the used car gets on the Kenyan road you have parted with at least double the amount if not more).

Seems like we got lost a little but then in the spirit of aiming low, this year, think of things which will make you really want 2011 to count and make the 2012 list so short that you cannot think of other things to do. In his song, Juicy, my favorite rapper of all time, Notorious B.I.G. says “and my whole crew is loungin’..celebratin’ everyday no more public housing..” I suppose all of us should appreciate this thought of aiming low by working hard towards achieving their goals in 2011. Aim low but keep your expectations high as always…and if you don’t know, now you know……….